Reader Email - You Guys Think This Stoolie Is Into The Pizza/Burrito Challenge?

KFC,

Never bothered to do this before but I’m just baffled by something. I check the site out daily, usually just Ny and Boston. I’m from Long Island myself. I admire what you and Portnoy do and I’ve recently taken interest in this whole #teampizza thing Pres has gotten into but what the fuck kind of pizza is he eating? It’s a no brainer I’m taking pizza over burritos but that’s because I grew up eating real pizza. Portnoys fucking around with Fun Zone pizza. I don’t even get his enthusiasm. I know you’ve mentioned the pizza rivalry before with big cat, talking about deep dish and what’s the best pizza and shit but the shit press is eating in his review videos (love his sincerity) looks like big round Betzios. I don’t know if I’m missing something or not, but since when do you get pizza from a bar (unless you’re actually chillin at a bar)? Do they not have pizza parlors in Boston? Do these people not even know what I’m talking about? I assume you know what I’m talking about. I think my biggest concern is the fact that Pres has this much passion about that shit pizza when I know as an undeniable fact I can tell you 3 pizzerias in the small town of Franklin Square that has to blow that pizza out the water. Nvm traveling from a shore to a shore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that pizza’s sick. Like Pres said, I’d probably crush it in a quick 5, but does he realize that if your gonna be rating a pizza a high 8 you probobly shouldn’t be able to hold it on a paper plate like it just came out the fuckin oven? I bet they don’t even have fucking chicken roll’s in boston. First thing that came to my mind with the ‘what would you eat if it was the only thing you could eat’ hypo… buffalo chicken roll with a side of bleu cheese. I’d take pictures of what I’m talking about but I live in LA right now. But I kid you not when I say I used to go to a pizza parlor at least 4 times a week and never even buy a slice of pizza. Like I said I’m pizza over burrito any day of the week, but if I had to do it in Cali, fuck that. Put it this way, Pizza parlors in New York are like burrito joints in LA. There such genuine burritos I don’t even like them. But it puts into perspective how culture is so relatively ignorant(probably not the best way to put it) from place to place.

I don’t expect this e-mail to be a blog but all I know is that if I was Davey Pageviews and you did’nt force me to come to the understanding of just how great Pizza from New York is and I was still eating shit pizza day in and day out I’m saying Cuncel da KFC. I just need an explanation.

I hope I just wasted my time with this e-mail and Pres knows what real pizza is, he just chooses to eat “dive” pizza because of some boston pride thing. But I literally “spit my coffee out and I was’nt even drinking any” when I saw pres open that Town Pizza box and there was pie that looked like it could have been a product of Ellios. I literally thought it was a fluke, I swear my first thought was, “hey thats a unique pizza to buy from a pizza place” but then when I saw the same looking kind of pizza today I almost lost my mind.

I’ll go nuts if I don’t see Dave eat a real slice of pizza real soon. Just knowing that he’s eating nothing but pizza and he’s not even eating the best of the best. If he was a real mogul he’d be getting pies imported like it was the Boston pizza party(see what I did there, haha), and not because it’s “New York Pizza” but because it’s legitimately good REAL pizza. But maybe he’s just a victim of ignorance, maybe he really doesn’t know what real pizza is. Perhaps you could call it ignorant bliss. Maybe he’s better off not knowing how shitty the pizza he’s eating is, he loves it so much, why ruin a good thing right? But let’s call a spade a fucking spade, Pres is doing the thing wrong.

Here’s My Idea for how you should blog this: Does this look like the face of my boss who has no idea what he’s doing? Picture: Pizza Selfie.
Then you approach it as an invitation. I hate seeing beef between barstool bloggers, It just portrays douchiness, You guys are a crew, you gotta have each others back, you guys rule the internet as far as I know (I don’t know a lot(but I do know pizza)). SO you tell him, Hey press, you really don’t know what your missing man. And then of course you gotta explain the obvious, and invite him for a trip around the city. BUT YOU MUST record it. I’m thinking you just strap a Go Pro around Pres head (pointing at him, obviously) and just record him trying pizza from all over New York. It would be hilarious, probobly the best pres video ever. Just real life genuine reactions from a man whose life is based around sharing opinions doing what he loves and rediscovering it at a whole new level. You can’t beat it.

It’s like masturbating your whole life not knowing that women exist. However if you know women exist but you don’t understand that they have wholes in their body that does what your hands do but a mill fold better your not living life right. Women are like New York, Ejaculaters are like pizza.

P.s. If I had to do this in Cali, I’m going Cheeseburger. MAD good burger joints all over the place. In & Out is just the beginning.

Billy

Hey Charles Dickens can you give me the Cliffs Notes on your fucking novel! Jiminy fuckin cricket bro. I’ve been getting a lot of tweets and emails complaining about the quality of pizza Pres is eating for this challenge but Billy here takes the fucking cake huh? Dude’s life is completely consumed by two grown men and what they are eating. “Jeopardy! Jesse” still is number 1 in the Power Rankings of “Most Likely To Hunt Down And Kill A Barstool Blogger” but Billy The Pizza Critic is not far behind. Obvious Jesse emails every day and Billy has only emailed once, but this epic tale might be more words when you add it all up. You Stoolies are a scary, scary breed.

I’m gonna weigh in on this Pizza/Burrito challenge because a lot of people have been asking me my opinion. Yes, some of the pizza Pres has been eating looks like absolute garbage. Like this thing:

What the fuck is that?

Or this weird crustless shit

Looks like the shit you get at Chuck E Cheese. The other day he went to Sbarro and it looked like the most normal pizza yet:

But all of this shit makes Dominos look like gourmet. I almost respect him more – not only is he eating pizza for every meal, he’s eating shitty pizza for every meal.

Oh and in case you didn’t think this challenge could get any stranger – last night Pres flew to Chicago so that he can go to the Michigan/Wisconsin quarterfinal matchup in the Big 10 Championship today. Pres is dressed up in a giant foam pizza, Big Cat in a foam burrito. Not even kidding. These are the ideas we come up with to try to make money somehow. Send grown men around the country to dress up in food costumes.